I have not posted in a couple of weeks because I knew today’s date was coming up and I knew I would want to share my thoughts. On this date, one year ago at 2:15am, my life would be shaken to its core. My precious bride of 34 1/2 years went home to be with her Lord. I have had many texts and calls today which have been a great encouragement. I’ve shared with several people that while today is for sure a somber day, I also am very thankful to our Lord that He blessed me with 39 1/2 years (we dated for 5 years) with such a beautiful (inside and out) wife. Kim and I enjoyed life together so much and made so many memories together. I could spend hours just writing about all the adventures we shared during our marriage. As I said in a previous post, I knew from the very beginning that I had found the woman that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and God made that happen. I have come to realize in this year how blessed I was to have a 34 year journey with such a woman as Kimberly Michelle Crouch. There are so many things that I miss, I suppose it would take me all night to list them all. I do want to share a few of them though. For you that knew Kim well, some of these will bring a smile and hopefully even laughter. I miss just the sound of her voice in our home. I miss the way she would say my name and would say “I love you”. Even after 34 years of marriage it still melted my heart to hear those words. I don’t think we ever parted ways that we didn’t tell each other that we loved one another. Even the night she passed away, as she laid back down in the bed minutes before she passed, we told each other that we loved each other. I would not take all the riches the world offers in exchange for those few seconds. I miss her sassiness and yes she could be sassy…lol. I miss her infectious laughter! If I were to be in a building of thousands of people, I could pick that laughter out in a second! I miss the moments when she would get exasperated with me and call me Bobby Joe (that was her “aggravated with me nickname” that she called me). I miss the being told, “You are a perpetual 12 year old boy” when I would get something on my shirt while eating or tear my clothes at work. In those moments she would also often say, “Your mother deserves many stars in her crown one day”…lol. I miss her cooking wizardry. Wow, she was probably the best cook I have ever known! I miss seeing her work her magic in the kitchen and then seeing her happy to watch others enjoy the results of her cooking skills. I miss those quiet evenings when we would just sit and watch episodes of our favorite TV show, Seinfeld, together. I miss those road trips to the beach with our family. I miss she and I singing duets to whatever tunes we happen to be playing. Our personal favorite was “Jackson” by Johnny and June Carter Cash. If you were one of daughter’s friends that had the privilege of making those trips with us, you were treated to this song! I miss those days when we would work in the garden or in her flowers together. Kim was a worker and much like her daddy, Billy, she was not very good at just sitting around doing nothing. I miss seeing the impact she had on the young children that she kept over the years along with the way she mentored a lot of those same young mothers of those children. I miss our time each week that we worshipped together with our church family and enjoyed our time with our Sunday School class. I miss hearing that sweet voice singing in our church choir. She loved to sing. She always said she would loved to be able to sing in a massive choir so I can’t fathom the thrill it must be for her to maybe be singing with the saints in glory, face to face with our Lord. I miss her encouraging words, her counsel, her discernment, her wisdom and her sweet spirit. I also miss her boldness even in the face of the disease that would eventually take her life. Even in her darkest days, she always lived with confidence and joy because she knew that in the end she would be victorious. I miss our dates! Yes we dated each other throughout our marriage. Whether it was a weekend away in a cabin in the hills of Tennessee, a Saturday morning breakfast date at a local Waffle House or dinner at one of our favorite restaurants followed by a movie, we cherished those moments together. I miss her competitive spirit! If you ever played a game with Kim, you know that she was a fierce competitor and played to win. I adored the way she loved our girls and poured herself into them. She was their greatest cheerleader no matter what they were participating in and she was all in to those activities. She loved being a band mom when Lillian was part of East Limestone High School’s band. She was one of those band moms that many of the kids gravitated to because she was not only fun, but they also knew she would shoot them straight and even straighten them out if they needed and they loved her for both of these reasons. She loved those weekends of band competitions and going to support our oldest baby girl. She then loved being that same way in being a softball mom for Olivia. Just like with band competitions, she traveled many miles to sit and cheer the babygirl on whether it was in the broiling heat of the summer or the chilly evenings of those early season games in February. As this day comes to a close and I reflect on this year, it has seemed very slow and at the same time very fast. As I visited the cemetery today and placed two of her favorites on the headstone (a bouquet of pink roses and a Diet Pepsi), sure I shed some tears because her being gone ripped a hole in my heart, but I was also overcome with thankfulness for the time we shared as husband and wife, best friends, lovers, confidants and parents. I am truly blessed to have called Kim my Bride and I am a better man today for God having placed us together as husband and wife on August 17, 1990. I have not lost my bride for I know exactly where she is this very moment and I long for the day that I will see her again with that beautiful smile in a glorified and heal state. Until then, I will do as she told me in one of our last conversations about life after she was gone. She told me not spend the rest of my life grieving, but to embrace and live life to the fullest. I believe in doing this I honor her memory the greatest. I will end this writing by saying this, “Until we meet again in glory at the time of our Lord’s choosing, I will always love you, my precious bride”.
Thoughts of a Sojourner
Thoughts, Wanderings & Adventures of a Sojourner
recent posts
- A Journey of Joy, Heartbreak and Joy Rediscovered: A Year Missing My Bride
- A Journey of Joy, Heartbreak and Joy Rediscovered: The Process of Healing
- A Journey of Joy, Heartbreak and Joy Rediscovered: The Journey of Grief
- A Journey of Joy, Heartbreak and Joy Rediscovered: Feeling Lost Without my Bride
- A Journey of Joy, Heartbreak and Joy Rediscovered: My Bride Goes Home
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A quote by Pastor John Piper that I read very early during my grieving process goes as follows: “Occasionally weep deeply over the life you hoped would be. Grieve the losses. Then wash your face. Trust God. And embrace the life you have.” The process of grieving is just that…a process. Some things I have discovered in my process of grieving are that grief looks different, feels different and is handled different for each person that is navigating the journey of grief. When listening and talking to others about their own personal grief journey, I am very careful not to tell them “how” they should be navigating their process because there really is no common way to navigate grief. I have learned this through years of ministry as a pastor, but more importantly because I now have real world, personal experience in this journey. I would encourage everyone reading this entry to be very careful about critiquing how someone appears to be walking their grief journey. Situations are different because the death of a loved one can take many forms. It can depend on many things. At times it occurs suddenly and unexpectedly. It may come after a long, grueling illness. It may come tragically or it may come in the form of relief that brings an end to extreme suffering for one that you love. Any way that this death occurs there will still be grieving to have to process through for the one(s) left behind. “So what about your journey Keith?” you may ask because after all that is what I am writing about in this blog. First I will tell you that I am still navigating the process. The process of course looks and feels different at this point than it did a 11 months ago, 6 months ago and even a month ago. I can tell you from a personal standpoint my faith in the Lord and more importantly God’s faithfulness have been and continue to be the things that sustain and strengthen me the most. I have thought and continue to think on this question: “How would Kim have wanted me to handle losing her?”. I reflect on this question often because Kim and I talked about my life after her presence here often especially during that last year of her life. Our relationship was one built on trust, openness about our feelings and reality. I am so thankful we had those talks now even though they were hard to talk about when she was still with me. I am thankful because of how it has helped me to learn how to live life today in this present place I find myself. Going back to the quote I shared in the beginning of this post, I want to share a few things of how I have seen myself live out the things mentioned in the words of John Piper. First, concerning “weeping deeply over the life you hoped for..”, trust me, I have shed many tears in the last 11 months and 14 days. The weeping varied and still varies in intensity, length of weeping and reasons for weeping. One thing is for sure and that is that tears are for healing of the emotions and the physical well being of the individual. Secondly, “..grieve the losses..” Grief is defined by Webster’s Dictionary as:”Pain of mind on account of something in the past”. On a personal level, I’m not sure my grief over Kim will ever end as long as the Lord allows me to have a mind that remembers our love for one another. I do believe that as time marches on that grief looks and will look different. Grief does not always involve tears and extreme sadness. It will at times involve these things of course, but it may also come in the form of a smile or a laugh when thinking about certain things that would have brought a smile or laugh from her or both of us together. Remember grief is different for everyone! Thirdly, “…wash your face..” reminds me that there was a point when I had to arise out of the time of shutting down emotionally. When I think of “…wash your face..”, I am reminded of the biblical narrative of King David in how he handled the loss of his first child that died from 2 Samuel 12:15-24. verse 20 in this passage says, “Then David arose from the earth and washed himself and changed his clothes. And he went into the house of the Lord and worshiped…”. In this, I also know that Kim’s desire was that I move to a point of “arising and washing my face”. What does this mean to me though? It simply means I had to reach a point that I had to arise and set my face on the future with the faith that God still has a plan for my life and much life to yet live. Fourthly, “…trust God..” is perhaps the most important principle expressed in the quote. Kim and I trusted God throughout her battle with cancer. I can honestly say that I have not felt angry with God during this whole process, but I have asked the “why questions” during her illness and after her passing. Why did my bride get this disease? Why is my wife having to endure this suffering? Why did you choose to take my bride at this stage of our life? These are just a sampling of the questions. I don’t believe there is any sin in asking God why, but we also should rest in our faith that God is not surprised by anything in our life. He is absolutely sovereign over every aspect and in that I have found and continue to find great comfort. In thinking about this trust of God, the place that I came to was that I have absolute trust in the fact that February 21, 2025 at 2:15am was the perfect time for my wife to go to heaven. Perfect because it was the moment that our sovereign Lord chose to bring her home to His presence. Did that perfect timing of God mean that it didn’t bring great pain and distress? NO! It did hurt, but as time went on the reality is that I didn’t lose Kim. I know exactly where she is right now and I know that in the time of God’s sovereign choosing I will see her again. Is there still pain concerning her not being here with me? Sure there is still pain, but the balm of God’s peace that He gives me soothes that pain more as each day passes. Finally, “…And embrace life..” is where I am living right now. In losing my bride, I have come to realize in an intense way that God has given me the blessing of life today and each day that He allows me to walk the topside of this world. As I have shared earlier, Kim was adamant in those final talks that we had that I get through the initial grieving and then get back to living. Life is fleeting! The Bible tells us that it is like a vapor. It is here for a moment and then gone (James 4:14). I have determined to honor Kim’s wishes and embrace living life again! I have decided to quit putting off things that I have always wanted to do, experience and see. I have decided, as stated in previous posts, not to allow anyone else to determine my happiness in life and outside of God’s will & standards how I will live my life. Sadly, some people think that it is wrong for someone like me to be happy with life, to rediscover joy and embrace life in general as disrespecting Kim’s memory, but actually it is honoring to her because again it was what she was adamant about concerning me and my life after she was no longer here with me. How do I handle such people and situations? Very simply I just don’t give them opportunity to give me any more “advice” on how I should grieve or live my life. Life is too short and has too much joy to be experienced to allow such negativity to be in your life. I guess to summarize all of this I will just put it like this: How much do I miss my bride? I miss her more than words can express! Even though I miss her, I am content with where God has me right now in this stage of my life. I am embracing life and try to find joy in life every day. I seek opportunities to try new things. I embrace those things that I am passionate about whether it has to do with my faith walk or with my hobbies and interests. I look forward and I am thankful for every new day that God allows me to see and want to experience each day like it is my last day!
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In my previous entry, I shared some of my experience of dealing with depression. During my years of growing up and even through adulthood, I never gave depression a lot of thought and even had the same thoughts at times like a lot of people that some people that talk about being depressed needed to just suck it up, but as I would find out depression is a very real disease that afflicts many people. Sadly, a lot of cases go undiagnosed and people needlessly suffer the effects for a life time. Many suffer and even while being treated for it live in a state of shame because it is perceived by many to be a sign of weakness or a sign of a lack of faith in God. I would be counted in this number when first diagnosed. I was a pastor! I spoke about having faith, living with joy and living without fear and now I found myself suffering from depression. As time went on and especially during the last 8-10 years, I realized that I could take what was meant for bad and use it for good. I realized that as a pastor, a husband and a father that my transparency in this area could help others realize that it is not a mark of shame and could be managed and even beat back. I have battled through several bouts and actually at the time of this writing, I am working through the latest round, but working through it successfully and feel like I am in the home stretch of winning this battle. Having shared this aspect of grief, many have asked me, “How have you gotten through this?”. First, I will say that it is a process and a process that I think can last a lifetime. I think when you lose someone that you love as much as I loved Kim, you will never cease to miss their presence in this life. I do believe and know from experience that grief changes in its intensity over time. When I say grief can last a lifetime, I mean that the missing that person will never cease. There will be moments when it will be heavier than others. Maybe when you hear a song, see a picture, when someone shares a story about your loved one or just sitting in the quietness of a room and missing the conversation that was a vital part of your life previously. For me the intense grief lasted several months, probably though about May or June. I would have moments of intense weeping or deep sadness. I firmly believe these intense periods of grief are actually a time of healing the broken heart. The Bible speaks about these seasons in Ecclesiastes 3:4, “..a time to weep, a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance”. Those moments of quietness when you get overwhelmed and empty yourself emotionally is healing to the mind and body. I did a lot of this for the first several months and I still have those moments and suppose I will for life. Overtime, I have experienced the mourning and weeping that the scriptures speak of, but as time marches on, I have been able to experience the healing of time and once again I know what it is to laugh and dance (more of dancing later..lol). As I shared in an earlier post, Kim was adamant in some of our final conversations about life after she would leave this world that I not grieve and quit living life. Over the last 5-6 months, I have started this second journey of rediscovering joy and I think she would be well pleased and thankful. I also look at this part of the process as living to respect what I had with her as part of my life. One thing that she told me was that “if you want to respect my memory and the legacy of our life together, don’t quit living and enjoying life. Get through the hard part of initial grief and then get busy living.” I spent my spring and summer expanding my garden, planting flowers, got into chicken raising, built a shed, built a greenhouse, got serious about exercising more and started traveling more. Music and listening to good music has become a big part of my life. All these things were very therapeutic and continue to be therapeutic for me. For me there is just something about running your hands through the coolness of rich dirt, watching plants grow from seed to harvest, observing animals that you are raising, taking a walk through the woods or just sitting by a fire in the fire pit while listening to music and listening to the sounds of nature in the night. I have become more intentional about reading and studying the scriptures not just to teach better, but for my own edification. I find that God’s word never fails to have just what I need at the moment I am in when I read it. My travels have been awesome. Seeing so much of our great nation. Since July I have driven or flown over 12,000 miles to different destinations. Going out west and experiencing some of the great unspoiled regions of our country is indescribable. All of these things have been a big part of e navigating this process. Of course, the love and encouragement of my family and friends have been a vital part of this process. I really don’t know how people without good family, friends and a church family navigate these things. I guess to close this out, I’ll give you the readers a few parting tips to maybe help navigate grief. One thing is for sure in this life. You are either headed toward a moment of grief, in the midst of a time of grief or on the backside of the process of grief. Here are some things that I found beneficial from my experience (understand that everyone’s experience is different, this is just from my view personally): 1) Remember God is ever present in your life 2) Allow friends and family to walk with you through the process 3) Allow yourself time to actually grieve 4) Allow yourself to laugh 5) Find or reestablish a hobby or hobbies and immerse yourself in it 6) Be intentional about finding new things to experience 7) In the instance of navigating the loss of a spouse, allow yourself to love again if God opens the door and it is what you desire 8)Plan and do things you have always wanted to do or try – life is short, go for it! This is not exhaustive list, but just some key things that have helped me and perhaps can help someone else. In my next writing, I plan to share about the pain of missing companionship and the rediscovery of love and companionship. I would ask that you continue to pray for my girls and me. Pray for me as I continue to share this experience and pray that it may be an encouragement and tool to help someone that may be going through this same process.
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I never dreamed or really thought about what life without my bride would be like. Looking back over this nearly one year, I have discovered that there was never really a way to be prepared , especially emotionally and mentally, until a person enters that experience. I have also discovered that everyone’s journey of grief looks and feels different in a lot of ways. After the first couple weeks, I immediately busied myself with learning the lay of the land as far as paying bills, banking, keeping a house going and all the other things that the spouse in a marriage sometimes takes for granted when the other spouse just handles those things. After, a few weeks of all the busyness the reality of missing my bride really set in a big way. In years past since tragically losing my dad and Kim’s first diagnosis coming on the heels of my dad’s death, I entered a state of depression. I had never dealt with depression on a personal level until 2013, but I quickly found out that it will hit you like a sledge hammer. I battled through that first battle of depression with the Lord’s help and a lot of encouragement from my bride. In the years leading up to Kim’s passing, it would rear its head again from time to time, but from about 2017 until Kim’s passing I had not dealt with it. This would all change in early April. It was this time that I entered perhaps the darkest valley where my mental health was concerned. I found myself literally not wanting to even get of bed in the mornings. I was trying to continue to balance a post retirement career and of course continued to pastor my church. By the way, I want to say that I will forever be in debt to my church family for the way they ministered to us throughout the years of Kim’s battles, but especially for the way they loved on us that last year of Kim’s life and in the weeks and months following her death even up until today. Some of my key leaders in my church knew the struggle that I was having emotionally and mentally. They came to me in late April and offered me a 6 week sabbatical to allow me to unplug from my responsibilities. I am the type pastor that does not like to be away from those responsibilities, but I knew it was somethingI needed for my own health and the health of our church so I accepted the offer. I also was working full time at Teledyne Brown in Huntsville and was blessed to work for a couple Godly men that recognized the same thing that my church leaders recognized and offered me 6 weeks of leave which I took. The first thing I did was that following week was secure a cabin that belongs to an aunt and uncle in the middle of nowhere in the woods in middle Tennessee. No cell service, nothing but the sounds of nature, a crackling fire at night, fishing during the day was just what I needed to start this journey back to mental health and to get me started in earnest to get through the grieving process. I also, started grief counseling which was one of the best decisions I have made through this whole process. I also had started a journey to better health physically in January and continued that journey mainly due to a diagnosis on January 21st of Type 2 diabetes. I started eating clean, began exercising serious and from January 2025 to January 1, 2026 I had lost 113 pounds. All these things combined, helped me to start healing mentally. One thing I have learned is that physical well being and mental well being are linked without a doubt. While I would still have days where the depression would seem to start creeping back, I was learning to recognize it and cope with it. I picked up new hobbies such as increasing the scope of my garden and even have gone into raising chickens. There is just something about putting your hands in the dirt and caring for animals that is therapeutic for me. I started setting goals where my health was concerning, travel goals and goals where my hobbies were concerned. As July closed, my summer had been full of hard work involving a lot of gardening, setting up things for my new flock of chickens, building a storage shed and building a greenhouse. One of the goals that I set way back in July was to be able to quit taking most if not all the medicine that I was taking for various things from cholesterol to depression. In August, I met that goal! I am currently only taking a med for blood pressure! I did have another bout with depression around the holidays, but seemed to have navigated that and pulled out of that as it stands now. The grieving process has been the hardest thing that I have journeyed through in my life. As stated earlier, there is really no way to prepare for it, but rather once you enter the process you just have to figure out how to navigate it in your own way. Some things I have learned are the following: 1) You never have a right to tell someone that is grieving, how to grieve – it’s different for everyone 2) Allow yourself time to grieve, but do not allow it take dominance over your life 3) Be a better listener to those that are grieving rather than being quick to give advice 4) I learned to be much more compassionate toward those struggling with mental health issues – mental illness is every bit as real as physical illness, to say differently is a show of ignorance 5) Find things to keep you busy, but busy yourself with things that have purpose and are not just “busy work”. 6) Embrace life because it is fleeting. Try new things and experiences 7) Do not let other people define your happiness and joy. Trust me people will try and define this for you when you lose your spouse 8) Do not make time for drama and drama seeking people – life is too short. 9). Finally, when the Lord tells us in His word that “I will never leave you or forsake you”, He means it! Until my next writing, go live life!
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In the months after getting the diagnosis of Acute MDS in March 2024 and being told that a stem cell transplant was not an option, the reality set in for Kim and I that this battle would be one that short of a miracle would eventually take the life of my bride. Kim as she had always done previously, kept that positive attitude while also knowing the terminal nature of MDS. She persevered with such courage and optimism that will always leave me in awe. Short term, she wanted to feel well enough to have a normal Christmas with our kids and grandkids. The Lord blessed her with making this desire a reality. She was able to actually enjoy Thanksgiving and Christmas and for that we were so thankful that God allowed her the stamina to do these things. One of the most difficult things was having those discussions with my bride about life after she went home to be with the Lord. In the months before her passing we had several of those hard discussions. In true Kim style, she was not concerned for herself because she knew in the end she would have ultimate victory, but she turned her concern for me and my girls. Kim had done so much throughout our whole marriage that kept or home running like a fine oiled machine, but she begin to invest a lot of time teaching me things about how things worked from the financial part, to cooking, to cleaning and just things that I suppose I had just been used to her taking care of in our marriage. Probably the most difficult conversations of those days took place in late January of last year (2025). First, she finally pinned me down to talk about her funeral. I was not prepared for this discussion, but I knew that she believed her time was short and she wanted, again, to make things easier for myself and the girls. She had taken time to plan her music, where it would be and unknown to me who would speak. I asked her who she would like to preach her funeral and she looked at me with a smile and simply responded that she would like for me to do her funeral service. As much as I would dread that day, I had no thought of telling her no. Her reasoning was based in the deep love we had for one another and like she said, “No one knows me better than you do and I also know that you will not only honor me, but more importantly will honor the Lord with your words”. Of course, I only could say yes through my tears in that moment. Looking back many times, I would not trade the opportunity to speak at my bride’s funeral for every penny of money in this world. The other difficult conversation was the one we had about her desire for me personally. She adamantly told me that when she was gone that her desire was for me to get through the grieving process and find someone else to love as I had loved her. She said one reason was that after 34 years together, she knew I would need a woman in my life to survive…lol. The other reason was that she said that she did not want me to be alone especially at our age because there was yet a lot of life to live for me and it needed to be shared with someone that would not only love me, but would be willing to be loved by me. The thought of this in that moment shook me to my core, but now I see it as one of the most loving and unselfish acts that my bride expressed to me. I will have more to share about this part of my life since her death in a later post. As we worked our way through January and early February, Kim begin to have to have more blood transfusions and more platelets infused because the MDS was more rapidly killing her red blood cells and destroying her platelets. She begin to experience severe shortages of breath because of the rate at which her red cells were being destroyed. In the early morning hours of February 17, 2025, she woke me up because her rate had become really elevated and her shortness of breath had become very severe. I knew when she asked that I call an ambulance that things were not good. She was taken to Huntsville Hospital and admitted on February 17, 2025. Of course knowing what she was dealing with, they immediately begin giving transfusions, but as the week progressed it became obvious that the MDS had progressed that even with transfusions her system could not reproduce enough red cells and platelets to be effective. Then with a glimmer of hope on Wednesday of that week, she showed a little improvement, but it was short-lived. As Thursday of that week came, things turned drastically downhill and she had to start using oxygen. It broke my heart in an inexpressible way to see my bride struggle so much to breathe. As we moved into the midnight hour of Friday morning, she asked me to help her to the restroom and then we came back to her bed and she wanted to sit on the side of the bed with me for a moment. We just sat and held each other and then she said I am hot and need a cool rag and we rang the nurse and ask for the cool rag for her forehead. We then hugged one last time, said I love you to each other and I helped her lay back down and gently gave her a kiss. I went back to my reclining chair and laid down, but then about 5 minutes later the moment I had dreaded arrived. The nurse came in and tried to wake her up and got no response. I immediately jumped up and called out to her and quickly realized that my bride was gone. The nurses and doctor immediately started CPR and actually got her back and then quickly moved her to the ICU. She, however crashed again on the way to the ICU and was placed on a ventilator. The doctor, who by the way was probably the most professional and compassionate doctor I had ever dealt with, came in and explained to me what the options looked like. One thing Kim had been adamant about was when that time came that she did not want to be kept alive with machines so we made the decision to unhook everything. By this time my family and Kim’s family had arrived and we were able to spend some final moments with Kim. Finally, at 2:15am on February 21, 2025, my bride drew her last breath and I believe based on scripture entered the presence of our Lord. I could never express the crushing of my heart accurately with words even though I knew in that moment after fighting many battles with this hellish disease, she had finally won the war and was totally healed. Of all the moments in our life that we shared together, that time just before she passed away we spent on the side of her hospital bed just holding one another and saying we loved one another is the most precious time of our life together. Precious because in so many cases people don’t get to tell a loved one they love them just before they leave this world. So many thoughts crossed my mind in the hours and days following her passing. I wondered what she was seeing, who she was seeing, what she was doing. I wondered how I would navigate life without my love and best friend. I wondered how I would help my girls and grandkids navigate this moment. After making the preparations for my brides service, the night of the visitation arrived. We were overwhelmed at the amount of people that came to pay the respects to this woman I had been honored to share life with for 34 1/2 years. The funeral director said they lost count at 600 people. The funeral day arrived and in the night before and morning of I struggled with how I would get through the service speaking at my brides funeral, but as I arrived at the church the peace that overcame me was I believe divine in nature and can not be explained in any other way, but the Holy Spirit totally enveloping me in peace that only God can give us. The funeral was beautiful. Kim wanted congregational singing and did not want it to be a drab and sad time. I believe we honored her request. I realize that I have shared a lot of details in these posts so far and especially in this post, but it was our story from beginning to end in this life. I loved my wife in a way that I believe needed to be shared to honor her and maybe offer encouragement to others that may even in this moment be living through these type things. She lived life with joy, peace, faithfulness to the Lord, undying love for her family and peace. I am thankful to our Lord that in her final moments in this old fallen world that he granted her a peaceful home going. She lived a life well lived and I believe her impact on many was great. I am definitely a better man for her being my bride and my best friend. In the weeks ahead as part of this series, I will be sharing what my life has been like since my bride went home to be with the Lord. I plan to be very transparent about the struggles, the things learned, how I have navigated this nearly past year and where I am now. As the title of these posts says. I will share about the joy, heartbreak and the joy being rediscovered. Thank you to those that have taken time so far to read these posts and those that offered encouraging words as I have written about the story of mine and Kim’s life together.
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The years since October 2013 had been a roller coaster ride of peaks and valleys where Kim’s health was concerned. She had battled through two separate diagnosis’s of breast cancer and at the same time we were blessed with a few years of good health for her. She battled those first two battles with such tenacity and grace. We learned to enjoy the blessings of those cancer free years and learned to relish everyday of good health as a blessing from God. In November of 2023, things would change drastically with news that would present her greatest challenge yet. Kim begin to have some pain in one hip and in her upper right leg. A few months prior to this diagnosis she had developed a terrible infection that caused hospitalization and some scary moments due to her depleted immune system from the many rounds of chemo in the years prior, but in true Kim fashion she beat the infection, however, the next diagnosis would be news that would shake both of us. After a couple different scans, it was discovered that Kim’s cancer from 2013 had metastasized to the bones in her pelvis and right leg. Anyone that knows anything about cancer knows that when a cancer metastasizes, it means that you move from curing the cancer to managing the cancer and that it is basically a terminal diagnosis though many people live for years after their diagnosis. She immediately began 10 rounds of radiation that actually seemed to work to shrink the spots that had developed to the point that they were almost undetectable, however in early February of 2024 more spots were found and promptly treated with good results. Through these two episodes she handled it with such courage and confidence as she always had in the past. During this second dianosis and during the chemo phase she begin to start having a lot of issues with keeping her hemoglobin and platelets at a level that they should be. I made the decision to retire from UPS at the end of February 2024 after 35 1/2 years of service to the company and I am so thankful that I did because it provided opportunity to spend a lot of time together over the next year and it allowed me to care for my bride as her health would drastically deteriorate over the next year. A couple months after I retired, Kim would develop another infection that proved to be a greater challenge than the previous one she had battled. In the midst of her hospitalization and after much testing, it was discovered that she was not only battling the metastatic breast cancer, along with this infection, but she had developed Myelodysplastic Syndrome (MDS) which is a type of blood cancer that is a precursor to Acute Myeloid Leukemia. MDS develops sometimes as a result of having a heavy load of chemotherapy especially the types of chemo that Kim had to take in order to treat and beat her first two breast cancer diagnosis’s. Everything switched at that point from being concerned with the slow growing metastatic breast cancer which at the moment was under control to trying to beat back this second terminal cancer that had developed because the life expectancy after this diagnosis was much shorter if it did not respond to treatment. She began a new treatment for MDS that involved oral chemo which turned out to be very rough on Kim. We eventually were referred to MD Anderson Hospital in Houston, TX in October of 2024 to look into the possibility of having a stem cell transplant and spent 11 days in Houston. The result and outcome of our trip did not provide the news that we hoped for as we were informed that she was not a candidate due to her secondary metastatic cancer. The reality had begin to set in that a cure or remission was likely not to be where the MDS was concerned. As a husband, I honestly was not willing to step into our new reality, but Kim being who she was accepted it with much grace and peace. I was not ready to think about life without my bride. The year 2024 proved to be a year of joy because while the ugly head of sickness and pain reared its dastardly head, Kim and I spent more time together than we had in the previous 33 years. We made many memories together and cherished everyday. Looking back, I would count it as an honor and privilege to be able to care for my bride when she was at her lowest point in her health. While many would probably say it was a sad year, and make no mistake it was a year filled with kicks to the gut figuratively speaking, it was a year that our love for one another grew more than probably in the previous 33 years because we realized how fleeting this life really is and how precious time with those we love is in this life. I would be in awe of the positive attitude, the courage, the determination, the tenacity, the toughness and grace with which Kim handled all the challenges she faced in 2024. Of course, I knew these were all character traits that she possessed, but to see them lived out in living color and share that experience with my bride was such an inspiration and still leaves me in awe. In all these challenges she kept her joy, that beaming smile and that infectious laugh. You may ask, “How?”. The answer boils down to her faith in the Lord and her knowledge that whatever the result of these diagnosis’s would be, that none of the events of our life surprises our sovereign Lord. She lived in the realm of “the peace that passes understanding (Philippians 4:6-7)”. In my next blog, I will share about the joy of her last Christmas and how God blessed her with some stability health wise during that last Thanksgiving & Christmas and ultimately about her final days as she would transition from this old world to the portals glory and the presence of our Lord. I ask that you pray for me as I consider what to share about those final days, hours and moments. As always my pray has been and will continue to be as I share our story, that God would be glorified, readers would be encouraged and my bride’s memory will be honored.
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To say that 2025 has been tough would be a grand understatement. Life drastically changed February 21, 2025 when my bride went to be with Lord after her long, courageous battle with cancer. In the months that have followed, I have navigated the grieving process, battled a bout of depression and in the process have made some life changes. One thing is that I have continued to work on getting healthy which was a journey that started before Kim’s passing and still continues. To date, I have lost 110 pounds, gotten my Type 2 Diabetes totally under control and have gotten off all medications except for 2 (I was taking 5 or 6 meds in January). I increased the size of my backyard garden, built a greenhouse, a chicken pen, a chicken coop and of course now have my own backyard flock of chickens. One thing that I have done a lot of this year is travel especially over the last four months of this year. I sat down this evening and figured up my travel miles for the different trips this year which actually started in April and May with a couple trips to one of my aunt’s places in middle Tennessee where she owns a cabin next to creek. As the year wore on, I made decision to officially retire again in May and then begin to plan some trips. I sat down tonight and figured up my miles traveled just on road trips and one trip that included a flight out west just last week. The miles totaled 13,426 with 12,192 of those miles coming just since the 2nd week of September…lol. My trips included the aforementioned trips to the cabin, a couple trips to pick up John Patton & Molly (my grands for those that don’t know), another trip to North Carolina to see Lillian, Brandon, John and Molly, a couple days in the North Georgia mountains, a trip to Yellowstone/Grand Teton National Park, a beach trip, a trip to Maggie Valley, NC/Smokies/Ashville, NC and finally a trip out to Lake Tahoe, NV and California. The beach trip of course was a time of just enjoying the Florida gulf coast, good food and relaxation. My goal on the other trips, including those to pick up the grands was to experience some of the great natural wonders of this great country. On the second trip to pick up the grands, I went a couple days early and stayed in the North Georgia mountains before meeting to get the kids. I quickly found out that one of the hidden gems of the southeast U.S. were the mountains of North Georgia. I spent two days just riding a lot of narrow, two lane roads taking in the beauty of those majestic mountains. A couple weeks after this, I struck out across the country in a rental vehicle to mark a bucket list trip off. I set out for Yellowstone National Park. A lot of people asked me why I didn’t fly. The answer is real simple – I wanted to experience driving across the bread basket of this great nation. I wanted to see the sprawling farms of Kansas and Nebraska. I wanted to ride through the ever changing landscape that is Wyoming (by the way Wyoming tops the list of states I have traveled through). In Wyoming , you go from prairies, to desert and then mountains. I met one of my best friends, Shane Kirby, in Jackson, WY. For a couple days, we spent time together exploring the natural beauty of Grand Teton National Park and Yellowstone National Park. The natural sites that I was able to experience were awe inspiring. From the mountains bigger than I ever imagined, the Continental Divide, the thermal pools that dotted the landscape, Old Faithful, the pristine rivers and streams, bison by the hundreds, mighty elk, bear, pronghorn antelope, eagles, gorges that seemed bottomless and waterfalls that thundered into deep canyons. After returning home, I would make a trip to the Great Smoky Mountains National Park which included staying in Maggie Valley, NC. I spent time riding across the mountains from Maggie Valley to Cherokee National Forest to Smokey Mountains National Park. Not only did I get to experience the views from the various overlooks, but was able to observe up close several herds of elk which were reintroduced to the park several years ago. In November, an unexpected opportunity came when again my friend Shane Kirby invited me out to meet him in Reno, NV and from there we would travel to South Lake Tahoe, California for 4 days. Again, this was another bucket list trip although I would fly to Reno rather than drive, but the drive and the trips in and around Tahoe and through the various passes over the Sierra Nevada Mountain Range were things that must be experienced because pictures do not compare. Places like Donner’s Pass, Mount Rose Pass, Truckee , CA, looking out over Emerald Bay, Lake Tahoe from the Mount Tallac overlook, exploring the old mining town of Virginia City, NV and even running across a wild horse which was pretty epic for this boy from Alabama. The gondola ride to the 10,000 foot summit of Mount Rose in South Lake was one of the greatest experiences in all my travels. We also were able to spend a half day on a guided fishing trip on Lake Tahoe where we filled our cooler with lake trout from the depths of Tahoe’s pristine, clear water. I could go on and on sharing each detail, but I will stop with the seemingly play by play of the trip. As I close out this blog entry, I do want to share maybe one of the greatest lessons I have learned from these travels, especially the ones out west. Some of the greatest joys from the trips was meeting a lot of people from across this great nation. I, like a lot of people, have primarily lived in the cocoon of the southeastern United States and had a lot of preconceived ideas about people from other regions of our country. These trips have taught me that in reality people are just people no matter if they are from Athens, AL, from a small town in Northern California, a crossroads town in Nebraska or Wyoming or even from other countries. I loved meeting these people from different regions and hearing their stories. I found out in a lot of cases they are, well, a lot like me! My travels have also caused me to stop appreciate a lot more the natural things we have in this great nation and to reevaluate my passion for how we as a country need to be vigilant about preserving and protecting these natural places from development, but rather leave them in their natural state to be enjoyed by the generations that follow. My plan, if the Lord allows, is to travel more this next year. One trip I am already planning to take is a week to travel the Blue Ridge Parkway to explore the Appalachian Mountains that make up the route along the Parkway. I am also considering a trip through the New England states which will include road tripping through Connecticut, Rhode Island, Massachusetts, Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire and probably Upstate New York. I am thankful that I have been able to do these trips because they have helped tremendously in helping me navigate the loss of my bride. They have each seemed to come at just the right time when I needed to get away and clear my mind. I look forward to closing out this year because of the heartbreak, but I am also thankful that God has slowly helped me begin to rediscover joy in life these last months. I find peace in this joy because I know it is what Kim wanted for me and I know the joy that these experiences have brought is exactly she desired for me. I have enjoyed sharing these journeys with those that have followed my exploits on social media and now through taking time to read my ramblings through these blog entries.
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In the year and a half that followed Kim’s diagnosis, we experienced many valleys. Watching the effects of the chemotherapy and radiation take its physical effects of my bride’s body was one of the most excruciating things to see take place. There were many days that she and I wondered if this poison that use to treat this hellish disease was not worse than the disease, but in true Kim style she faced it with great courage and confidence that she would win the battle. I say battle because as it would turn out over the next 12 years, she fought a war with cancer. From sickness, nausea, hair loss, weakness and weight loss she faced each thing with the confidence that she would win and she did win this first battle. In May 2015, the treatments were complete, she rang the bell and the scans that would follow confirmed this battle was won! Now the marathon of 5 years, to be declared cancer free would begin. In the midst of this first battle, I had a bout with a new disease that attacked me. Not one of a physical nature, but mental. I entered a season of life as Kim went through treatment where I battled extreme depression and anxiety. I had never given depression a lot credence quit frankly, but God quickly made it clear to me that depression was indeed all too real. I will not share further here about my personal battle with depression in this writing, but will dedicate time to that in a later entry at some point because I think it is something that should not be whispered about because it is a very real disease that should be dealt with as a disease and not just as someone being “weak”. During that 5 year marathon as Kim moved toward what we prayed would be a declaration of being declared cancer free, each scan brought with it much trepidation, but during the next five years hope grew until we reached 5 year mark in 2019. We celebrated with our immediate family! Victory in this battle had been realized! The greatest foe she had ever faced had been met with Kim’s competitive spirit and defeated. Relief would be the understatement of the year! From 2019 to 2022 life was filled with renewed life, a feeling of rebirth and a new sense of enjoying life. We learned that life was fleeting and should be enjoyed in every moment and we did just that as we celebrated each year without cancer being a constant stalker. As I think of those years, they were some of the most joy filled in our 34 years because of this renewal that God had blessed my bride with in this victory. When God brings you through these moments, you learn to laugh more. You learn to enjoy the small things in life that maybe before used to be looked at as insignificant. You learn to embrace life even more because you were given a personal glimpse of the fragility of life. Kim’s joy in living increased so much and I took such joy in watching this process take place in the life of my bride and felt blessed to be able to experience it with her. She took what was dreadful and painful and used it to be a source of encouragement to others. Her story through this battle would be one that would bring hope to others facing what she had faced. I watched with great joy as her faith in our Lord increased and grew through this experience. In all of her experiences with cancer up to her home going in February of this year, her faith never wavered. She never questioned the love God had for her. Looking back, I am overwhelmed with thankfulness for those years without watching her wage war with cancer. In October 2022, almost to the day of that dreadful day in 2013 battle number two would begin to be waged. Annual mammogram would reveal a new cancer in her other breast. I say new because defying odds, it was a totally different type of cancer unrelated to the first one. We had been down this road before and after initial tears and sorrow at a new diagnosis, she would gird up with that same gritty determination and say let’s get busy and beat this thing. Much like the last time, harsh chemo and 35 rounds of radiation would follow and a year later, scans and test would reveal that once again this battle was won and the Lord would deliver my bride again from the clutches of this hellish disease. Once again her courage and determination was off the charts. I suppose, I will never not be in awe of her courage and confidence that she would win the second battle. The grace with which she handled these first two battles was and is truly inspiring. As always, I pray that the journey we walked has and will bring glory to the Lord and be a source of encouragement to others.
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October 11, 2013 is a day etched into my mind and heart that would shape the next 12 years of mine and Kim’s marriage. A few weeks before this date annual mammogram had a revealed a spot in Kim’s breast, but at that time the hope was that it would be something benign. Her doctor quickly scheduled her for a biopsy to hopefully rule out cancer. During the week after the biopsy, Kim and I talked and decided that the doctor would call me with the results of the biopsy. On October 11, 2013, that fateful call would come. The biopsy revealed that Kim had a small growth in her right breast that was indeed cancerous. I was working at UPS in Huntsville at the time as a supervisor and immediately dropped what I was doing to go home and share this news with my bride. To say that 19 mile drive was the longest drive of my life was an understatement. As I drove home with eyes filled with tears and a heart that was broken for my bride, I grappled with how to share this dreadful news with her. When I walked through the door that early afternoon, she immediately knew because of the hour that I arrived home unannounced that the news was not what we wanted to hear. As I shared the news with Kim, we both sobbed like we never had before. Her confidence and determination quickly to hold of the situation and the mood turned from sobbing to, “Ok, we got to get a plan to whip this disease”. Over the next weeks, we would begin to meet with her oncologist at CCI in Huntsville and with Dr Richard Matthews, her breast doctor through this whole journey, to formulate a plan. More biopsies would be done to determine if the cancer had spread to the lymph nodes and the results again were not what we wanted to hear because the nodes were indeed involved. Our oncology team went into action quickly with an aggressive plan of chemotherapy which would last for what seemed like forever. The drugs they would use were some of the harshest they could prescribe, but they were what was needed at the time to beat this thing back. The sickness involved with this treatment was brutal, but Kim in true Kim fashion would face it head on with the courage of a brave soldier. Upon completing this round of treatment, she would undergo 35 rounds of targeted radiation treatment. This process would go on for approximately 9-10 months. After completing the treatments, she would undergo a lumpectomy and would have the lymph nodes involved removed.. When all was said and done, the treatments had done their job while taking a physical toll on my Bride, but again in true Kim fashion she recovered and life got back to normal. Well, as normal as it can within that 5 year window of getting 6 month scans to verify the cancer had not returned. Ultimately, we were able to celebrate that 5 year window in summer of 2015. We learned so many things during this first journey of her battle with cancer. I learned that I was married to the most courageous woman ever! Her attitude through the whole ordeal was amazing. It would have been easy to give up or feel sorry for yourself, but she never did during this first battle. She tried and pushed herself to keep things as normal as she could mainly for me and the girls because I also saw reinforced what I already knew about Kim and that was that she was one of the most unselfish people I have ever know. She was always thinking of others even when she would have been in her rights to focus on herself exclusively. Kim and I learned to love God more deeply and experienced the faithfulness of God in a way that we had never experienced. The years following would still involve many appointments, scans and tests, but confidence would grow that this monster had been defeated. In those years we learned to love life more because we had been given an intense glimpse of how fragile life truly can be. When I think of those days, our love for one another grew immensely. We truly lived and experienced how God can take tragedy and turn it for His glory and our goodness.
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In the coming weeks, I will begin to share about Kim’s courageous journey as she battled cancer and our experience in traveling that roller coaster journey. In this writing though, I want to just share some things we experienced and some lessons we learned during our 34 1/2 wonderful years together. Over our nearly three and half decades of wedded bliss we were able to experience so many things. We experienced times of great joy and great tragedy together and through it all our love for one another never faltered and for that I am so thankful. Of course we experienced so many things involving our girls that brought so much joy and made many memories during our marriage. From the vacations spent together as a family to being part of their extracurricular school activities, they were all filled with great memories. Our favorite vacations were those spent at the beach. Kim’s happy place was the beach. My fondest memories spent with my bride at the beach didn’t involve expensive restaurants or fancy destinations, but rather it was the hours we would spend together under an umbrella with our favorite tunes playing, eating a simple picnic lunch and reading books together just watching the ocean waves. Kim and I also loved taking short trips to places off the beaten path like to one of our favorite cabins in the woods in his of Tennessee or just a day of hitting some antique shops and grabbing lunch together. We would also spend countless hours with one another watching college football together whether it was attending in person, gathered with family & friends or just us in the comfort of our living room with a pot of her delicious chicken stew or chili. Much of the joy of our marriage was spent with our church family. Our faith as a couple was a huge part of our life. We loved attending church together and worshiping together. As a pastor, I could have never asked for a better pastor’s wife than Kim. Kim loved her church family and her church family loved her. I will never be able to repay my church family for the way they loved her especially during her multiple battles with cancer and the way they loved my family in the days following her passing. During our marriage, one of the first and greatest tragedies that we would experience together was the loss of my dad. She was a pillar of strength for me during that time. We shed a lot tears together during those days and she was my greatest source of strength other than the Lord during those days. We learned so much together about the faithfulness of our Lord through my dad’s passing. People say that you learn the most not on the mountaintops of life, but in the valleys of life and I suppose that is true to a great extent, but we also learned to appreciate the joys of the mountaintop experiences because we learned so much about the God’s faithfulness in the valleys. After Kim’s first diagnosis in October 2013 through her final days in February 2025, we learned the great lesson to appreciate the good days so much more and not to take them for granted. We learned to laugh together a lot more and bask in the blessings of each moment that God blessed us with especially during those years. Even with the valley experiences, I would define our marriage with one word – joy! Joy because we learned to love deeper with every day. We learned to appreciate even the smallest of things experienced together. We learned to laugh together more and anyone that knew Kim, knew that beaming smile (she would smile even when most people would have been down trodden or even bitter) and infectious laugh. We learned that many of the small things that stress us out were really not that big of a deal. I hear many couples bemoan having to do this or that with their spouse. Kim and I legitimately loved just being together and experiencing all of life together. Whether it was a cruise across the Gulf of Mexico (America) or a simple breakfast date at Waffle House, we treasured every moment and now I treasure them even more. Over the next couple of writings, I plan to share our experiences as a couple as we navigated multiple cancer diagnoses and ultimately the last diagnosis that we learned would likely not end with remission or a cure. As I prepare for these next few blog posts, I am approaching them with prayer because in a way it will be like reliving those moments. It will involve heartache, but also a recollection of how faithful God was to us and how deep our relationship grew because it would involve us truly living out our wedding vows that we took on that evening of August 17, 1990. As I share these upcoming posts, I will not be doing it to garner sympathy, but rather to hopefully share a glimpse into the undying love that we had for one another and hopefully encourage others that may read these post. My overarching goal in all of this is to bring glory to our God. I do ask that you pray for me over the coming days as I prepare to share these moments with the world and that I would first honor the Lord with my words and honor my precious bride.
Thoughts of a Sojourner 