Thoughts of a Sojourner

In the months after getting the diagnosis of Acute MDS in March 2024 and being told that a stem cell transplant was not an option, the reality set in for Kim and I that this battle would be one that short of a miracle would eventually take the life of my bride. Kim as she had always done previously, kept that positive attitude while also knowing the terminal nature of MDS. She persevered with such courage and optimism that will always leave me in awe. Short term, she wanted to feel well enough to have a normal Christmas with our kids and grandkids. The Lord blessed her with making this desire a reality. She was able to actually enjoy Thanksgiving and Christmas and for that we were so thankful that God allowed her the stamina to do these things. One of the most difficult things was having those discussions with my bride about life after she went home to be with the Lord. In the months before her passing we had several of those hard discussions. In true Kim style, she was not concerned for herself because she knew in the end she would have ultimate victory, but she turned her concern for me and my girls. Kim had done so much throughout our whole marriage that kept or home running like a fine oiled machine, but she begin to invest a lot of time teaching me things about how things worked from the financial part, to cooking, to cleaning and just things that I suppose I had just been used to her taking care of in our marriage. Probably the most difficult conversations of those days took place in late January of last year (2025). First, she finally pinned me down to talk about her funeral. I was not prepared for this discussion, but I knew that she believed her time was short and she wanted, again, to make things easier for myself and the girls. She had taken time to plan her music, where it would be and unknown to me who would speak. I asked her who she would like to preach her funeral and she looked at me with a smile and simply responded that she would like for me to do her funeral service. As much as I would dread that day, I had no thought of telling her no. Her reasoning was based in the deep love we had for one another and like she said, “No one knows me better than you do and I also know that you will not only honor me, but more importantly will honor the Lord with your words”. Of course, I only could say yes through my tears in that moment. Looking back many times, I would not trade the opportunity to speak at my bride’s funeral for every penny of money in this world. The other difficult conversation was the one we had about her desire for me personally. She adamantly told me that when she was gone that her desire was for me to get through the grieving process and find someone else to love as I had loved her. She said one reason was that after 34 years together, she knew I would need a woman in my life to survive…lol. The other reason was that she said that she did not want me to be alone especially at our age because there was yet a lot of life to live for me and it needed to be shared with someone that would not only love me, but would be willing to be loved by me. The thought of this in that moment shook me to my core, but now I see it as one of the most loving and unselfish acts that my bride expressed to me. I will have more to share about this part of my life since her death in a later post. As we worked our way through January and early February, Kim begin to have to have more blood transfusions and more platelets infused because the MDS was more rapidly killing her red blood cells and destroying her platelets. She begin to experience severe shortages of breath because of the rate at which her red cells were being destroyed. In the early morning hours of February 17, 2025, she woke me up because her rate had become really elevated and her shortness of breath had become very severe. I knew when she asked that I call an ambulance that things were not good. She was taken to Huntsville Hospital and admitted on February 17, 2025. Of course knowing what she was dealing with, they immediately begin giving transfusions, but as the week progressed it became obvious that the MDS had progressed that even with transfusions her system could not reproduce enough red cells and platelets to be effective. Then with a glimmer of hope on Wednesday of that week, she showed a little improvement, but it was short-lived. As Thursday of that week came, things turned drastically downhill and she had to start using oxygen. It broke my heart in an inexpressible way to see my bride struggle so much to breathe. As we moved into the midnight hour of Friday morning, she asked me to help her to the restroom and then we came back to her bed and she wanted to sit on the side of the bed with me for a moment. We just sat and held each other and then she said I am hot and need a cool rag and we rang the nurse and ask for the cool rag for her forehead. We then hugged one last time, said I love you to each other and I helped her lay back down and gently gave her a kiss. I went back to my reclining chair and laid down, but then about 5 minutes later the moment I had dreaded arrived. The nurse came in and tried to wake her up and got no response. I immediately jumped up and called out to her and quickly realized that my bride was gone. The nurses and doctor immediately started CPR and actually got her back and then quickly moved her to the ICU. She, however crashed again on the way to the ICU and was placed on a ventilator. The doctor, who by the way was probably the most professional and compassionate doctor I had ever dealt with, came in and explained to me what the options looked like. One thing Kim had been adamant about was when that time came that she did not want to be kept alive with machines so we made the decision to unhook everything. By this time my family and Kim’s family had arrived and we were able to spend some final moments with Kim. Finally, at 2:15am on February 21, 2025, my bride drew her last breath and I believe based on scripture entered the presence of our Lord. I could never express the crushing of my heart accurately with words even though I knew in that moment after fighting many battles with this hellish disease, she had finally won the war and was totally healed. Of all the moments in our life that we shared together, that time just before she passed away we spent on the side of her hospital bed just holding one another and saying we loved one another is the most precious time of our life together. Precious because in so many cases people don’t get to tell a loved one they love them just before they leave this world. So many thoughts crossed my mind in the hours and days following her passing. I wondered what she was seeing, who she was seeing, what she was doing. I wondered how I would navigate life without my love and best friend. I wondered how I would help my girls and grandkids navigate this moment. After making the preparations for my brides service, the night of the visitation arrived. We were overwhelmed at the amount of people that came to pay the respects to this woman I had been honored to share life with for 34 1/2 years. The funeral director said they lost count at 600 people. The funeral day arrived and in the night before and morning of I struggled with how I would get through the service speaking at my brides funeral, but as I arrived at the church the peace that overcame me was I believe divine in nature and can not be explained in any other way, but the Holy Spirit totally enveloping me in peace that only God can give us. The funeral was beautiful. Kim wanted congregational singing and did not want it to be a drab and sad time. I believe we honored her request. I realize that I have shared a lot of details in these posts so far and especially in this post, but it was our story from beginning to end in this life. I loved my wife in a way that I believe needed to be shared to honor her and maybe offer encouragement to others that may even in this moment be living through these type things. She lived life with joy, peace, faithfulness to the Lord, undying love for her family and peace. I am thankful to our Lord that in her final moments in this old fallen world that he granted her a peaceful home going. She lived a life well lived and I believe her impact on many was great. I am definitely a better man for her being my bride and my best friend. In the weeks ahead as part of this series, I will be sharing what my life has been like since my bride went home to be with the Lord. I plan to be very transparent about the struggles, the things learned, how I have navigated this nearly past year and where I am now. As the title of these posts says. I will share about the joy, heartbreak and the joy being rediscovered. Thank you to those that have taken time so far to read these posts and those that offered encouraging words as I have written about the story of mine and Kim’s life together.