Thoughts of a Sojourner

I never dreamed or really thought about what life without my bride would be like. Looking back over this nearly one year, I have discovered that there was never really a way to be prepared , especially emotionally and mentally, until a person enters that experience. I have also discovered that everyone’s journey of grief looks and feels different in a lot of ways. After the first couple weeks, I immediately busied myself with learning the lay of the land as far as paying bills, banking, keeping a house going and all the other things that the spouse in a marriage sometimes takes for granted when the other spouse just handles those things. After, a few weeks of all the busyness the reality of missing my bride really set in a big way. In years past since tragically losing my dad and Kim’s first diagnosis coming on the heels of my dad’s death, I entered a state of depression. I had never dealt with depression on a personal level until 2013, but I quickly found out that it will hit you like a sledge hammer. I battled through that first battle of depression with the Lord’s help and a lot of encouragement from my bride. In the years leading up to Kim’s passing, it would rear its head again from time to time, but from about 2017 until Kim’s passing I had not dealt with it. This would all change in early April. It was this time that I entered perhaps the darkest valley where my mental health was concerned. I found myself literally not wanting to even get of bed in the mornings. I was trying to continue to balance a post retirement career and of course continued to pastor my church. By the way, I want to say that I will forever be in debt to my church family for the way they ministered to us throughout the years of Kim’s battles, but especially for the way they loved on us that last year of Kim’s life and in the weeks and months following her death even up until today. Some of my key leaders in my church knew the struggle that I was having emotionally and mentally. They came to me in late April and offered me a 6 week sabbatical to allow me to unplug from my responsibilities. I am the type pastor that does not like to be away from those responsibilities, but I knew it was somethingI needed for my own health and the health of our church so I accepted the offer. I also was working full time at Teledyne Brown in Huntsville and was blessed to work for a couple Godly men that recognized the same thing that my church leaders recognized and offered me 6 weeks of leave which I took. The first thing I did was that following week was secure a cabin that belongs to an aunt and uncle in the middle of nowhere in the woods in middle Tennessee. No cell service, nothing but the sounds of nature, a crackling fire at night, fishing during the day was just what I needed to start this journey back to mental health and to get me started in earnest to get through the grieving process. I also, started grief counseling which was one of the best decisions I have made through this whole process. I also had started a journey to better health physically in January and continued that journey mainly due to a diagnosis on January 21st of Type 2 diabetes. I started eating clean, began exercising serious and from January 2025 to January 1, 2026 I had lost 113 pounds. All these things combined, helped me to start healing mentally. One thing I have learned is that physical well being and mental well being are linked without a doubt. While I would still have days where the depression would seem to start creeping back, I was learning to recognize it and cope with it. I picked up new hobbies such as increasing the scope of my garden and even have gone into raising chickens. There is just something about putting your hands in the dirt and caring for animals that is therapeutic for me. I started setting goals where my health was concerning, travel goals and goals where my hobbies were concerned. As July closed, my summer had been full of hard work involving a lot of gardening, setting up things for my new flock of chickens, building a storage shed and building a greenhouse. One of the goals that I set way back in July was to be able to quit taking most if not all the medicine that I was taking for various things from cholesterol to depression. In August, I met that goal! I am currently only taking a med for blood pressure! I did have another bout with depression around the holidays, but seemed to have navigated that and pulled out of that as it stands now. The grieving process has been the hardest thing that I have journeyed through in my life. As stated earlier, there is really no way to prepare for it, but rather once you enter the process you just have to figure out how to navigate it in your own way. Some things I have learned are the following: 1) You never have a right to tell someone that is grieving, how to grieve – it’s different for everyone 2) Allow yourself time to grieve, but do not allow it take dominance over your life 3) Be a better listener to those that are grieving rather than being quick to give advice 4) I learned to be much more compassionate toward those struggling with mental health issues – mental illness is every bit as real as physical illness, to say differently is a show of ignorance 5) Find things to keep you busy, but busy yourself with things that have purpose and are not just “busy work”. 6) Embrace life because it is fleeting. Try new things and experiences 7) Do not let other people define your happiness and joy. Trust me people will try and define this for you when you lose your spouse 8) Do not make time for drama and drama seeking people – life is too short. 9). Finally, when the Lord tells us in His word that “I will never leave you or forsake you”, He means it! Until my next writing, go live life!