Thoughts of a Sojourner

In my previous entry, I shared some of my experience of dealing with depression. During my years of growing up and even through adulthood, I never gave depression a lot of thought and even had the same thoughts at times like a lot of people that some people that talk about being depressed needed to just suck it up, but as I would find out depression is a very real disease that afflicts many people. Sadly, a lot of cases go undiagnosed and people needlessly suffer the effects for a life time. Many suffer and even while being treated for it live in a state of shame because it is perceived by many to be a sign of weakness or a sign of a lack of faith in God. I would be counted in this number when first diagnosed. I was a pastor! I spoke about having faith, living with joy and living without fear and now I found myself suffering from depression. As time went on and especially during the last 8-10 years, I realized that I could take what was meant for bad and use it for good. I realized that as a pastor, a husband and a father that my transparency in this area could help others realize that it is not a mark of shame and could be managed and even beat back. I have battled through several bouts and actually at the time of this writing, I am working through the latest round, but working through it successfully and feel like I am in the home stretch of winning this battle. Having shared this aspect of grief, many have asked me, “How have you gotten through this?”. First, I will say that it is a process and a process that I think can last a lifetime. I think when you lose someone that you love as much as I loved Kim, you will never cease to miss their presence in this life. I do believe and know from experience that grief changes in its intensity over time. When I say grief can last a lifetime, I mean that the missing that person will never cease. There will be moments when it will be heavier than others. Maybe when you hear a song, see a picture, when someone shares a story about your loved one or just sitting in the quietness of a room and missing the conversation that was a vital part of your life previously. For me the intense grief lasted several months, probably though about May or June. I would have moments of intense weeping or deep sadness. I firmly believe these intense periods of grief are actually a time of healing the broken heart. The Bible speaks about these seasons in Ecclesiastes 3:4, “..a time to weep, a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance”. Those moments of quietness when you get overwhelmed and empty yourself emotionally is healing to the mind and body. I did a lot of this for the first several months and I still have those moments and suppose I will for life. Overtime, I have experienced the mourning and weeping that the scriptures speak of, but as time marches on, I have been able to experience the healing of time and once again I know what it is to laugh and dance (more of dancing later..lol). As I shared in an earlier post, Kim was adamant in some of our final conversations about life after she would leave this world that I not grieve and quit living life. Over the last 5-6 months, I have started this second journey of rediscovering joy and I think she would be well pleased and thankful. I also look at this part of the process as living to respect what I had with her as part of my life. One thing that she told me was that “if you want to respect my memory and the legacy of our life together, don’t quit living and enjoying life. Get through the hard part of initial grief and then get busy living.” I spent my spring and summer expanding my garden, planting flowers, got into chicken raising, built a shed, built a greenhouse, got serious about exercising more and started traveling more. Music and listening to good music has become a big part of my life. All these things were very therapeutic and continue to be therapeutic for me. For me there is just something about running your hands through the coolness of rich dirt, watching plants grow from seed to harvest, observing animals that you are raising, taking a walk through the woods or just sitting by a fire in the fire pit while listening to music and listening to the sounds of nature in the night. I have become more intentional about reading and studying the scriptures not just to teach better, but for my own edification. I find that God’s word never fails to have just what I need at the moment I am in when I read it. My travels have been awesome. Seeing so much of our great nation. Since July I have driven or flown over 12,000 miles to different destinations. Going out west and experiencing some of the great unspoiled regions of our country is indescribable. All of these things have been a big part of e navigating this process. Of course, the love and encouragement of my family and friends have been a vital part of this process. I really don’t know how people without good family, friends and a church family navigate these things. I guess to close this out, I’ll give you the readers a few parting tips to maybe help navigate grief. One thing is for sure in this life. You are either headed toward a moment of grief, in the midst of a time of grief or on the backside of the process of grief. Here are some things that I found beneficial from my experience (understand that everyone’s experience is different, this is just from my view personally): 1) Remember God is ever present in your life 2) Allow friends and family to walk with you through the process 3) Allow yourself time to actually grieve 4) Allow yourself to laugh 5) Find or reestablish a hobby or hobbies and immerse yourself in it 6) Be intentional about finding new things to experience 7) In the instance of navigating the loss of a spouse, allow yourself to love again if God opens the door and it is what you desire 8)Plan and do things you have always wanted to do or try – life is short, go for it! This is not exhaustive list, but just some key things that have helped me and perhaps can help someone else. In my next writing, I plan to share about the pain of missing companionship and the rediscovery of love and companionship. I would ask that you continue to pray for my girls and me. Pray for me as I continue to share this experience and pray that it may be an encouragement and tool to help someone that may be going through this same process.