Thoughts of a Sojourner

At the time of this writing, Kim has been in heaven for just over a year and in this past year and two weeks I have experienced so many ups and downs and a myriad of emotions. I have been acquainted with crushing heartbreak, grief, depression and joy. As I visited her grave today and placed new flowers for Spring, the same feeling of “this still just doesn’t seem real” visits my emotions, but I always walk away from that place with the knowledge that she is residing in a place that knows no grief, sorrow, disease, pain or even the parameters of time. I find great comfort in that these days and more as each day passes. In these last few months I have experienced almost what I would call a rebirth of joy in life and a great desire to embrace all that this life has to offer. I realize there may be some that read this entry and do not understand how I could find this joy and this desire to embrace life. Also, there may be some that would ask what this rebirth of joy and this new embrace of life looks like for me because maybe they are in a similar situation and have that same desire. First, I want to say that I do not share these things looking for anyone’s approval because first of all, we are designed, especially as believers in Christ, to have a spirit of joy even in times of heartache and trial. Secondly, as shared before I see it as honoring my bride because her desire based on our deep, intimate conversations about my life without her was that she desired that I rediscover this joy, embrace life and if the opportunity presents itself to find love again. Understand these were not easy conversations in those moments, but now looking back I am overwhelmed with thanksgiving that she loved me enough to want these things for me. Those conversations are source now of peace and contentment. So what does this joy and embrace of life look like at the moment? One thing I have been intentional about is slowing life down and enjoying the little, everyday things. The peacefulness of a quiet morning enjoying a cup of coffee on my deck and watching the sun rise. I have grown spiritually and found great joy in this growth because so many of the attributes of God (His faithfulness, grace, mercy, love, sovereignty, justice, creative power, etc) have presented themselves in overwhelming ways during this past year. I have felt His presence and comfort in the darkest hours of grief and depression. I have felt the sufficiency of grace and mercy when I would ask Him so many “Why questions” in those months following Kim’s death. I have found comfort in His sovereignty in knowing that none of what I and my family have experienced surprised Him. I have found joy in continuing to be blessed to be the dad of my two precious daughters and watching them become independent, successful women. I have found joy in continuing to see my grandchildren grow up and joy in being their Pops. I have found joy in my hobbies and studying those hobbies in a way that challenges me to always find a way to be better at those things I enjoy doing. I could really go on for hours listing all the things that I find joy in doing and experiencing. Joy is not just the emotion of smiling and laughing. I have found that joy can come in just enjoying the quiet moments of life where peace and contentment rule the day. Embracing life looks very similar, but it is different. In determining to embrace life, I look at this as living life to the fullest. I have embraced traveling and seeing things that across this great country that will leave you in awe of God’s creative power. In these travels this past year, I have not only seen some amazing things, but I have met some amazing people from across our country. People that are different from me, but I have learned that by and large they are good people with interesting stories behind their lives. I have learned even when we encounter people that look different, believe different and act different there is always something we can learn from them and if we treat people with which we differ with kindness and respect they just might walk away having learned something from us. In embracing life, it is greatly limiting negativity and the drama that so many seem to wallow in daily. Life is too short and too fleeting to allow those things to dominate your thinking and allowing those things to determine your outlook on life. Life is too short to wring our hands and stress over things we cannot control. In embracing life, my personal walk and worship time with my brothers and sisters in Christ each week feels sweeter and more precious. Finally, the most intimidating thing I am walking through these last few months is starting the journey of dating. I get it! For some they may say “How could you?” or “It’s not the right time”, but again in doing this I am honoring the unselfish wishes of my bride. As I shared in a previous blog entry, I made a determination that other than God’s standards and His perfect will, not to allow others to determine my happiness in life. I have shared with several people that after experiencing the love and marriage that Kim and I shared how could I not desire to experience this type of love and companionship again in this life. I firmly believe God created all of us for companionship. He set this standard very early from the creation itself when he said “It is not good for man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18). So I have started this new journey in life not really knowing where it will take me, but my hope and desire is to find joy in this journey and embrace life in traversing this new journey. To be sure, rediscovering joy and a new embrace of living life to the fullest is a process that should be ongoing and my prayer is that I discover new joy everyday and find new ways to embrace life as long as the Lord gives me breath. My prayer in this is not only for me, but also for you that take the time to read these blog entries. Remember God designed you to live with joy and embrace every minute that He has blessed you with so get out there live with joy and embrace the day!